Weaponized incompetence: what it is and how to detect it

A quick guide 

Weaponized incompetence, also known as strategic incompetence, is when someone shows that they are incapable of doing a task, whether on purpose or accidentally. This encourages others to take on additional work as a result. This usually occurs in two settings: At home, between couples, and in the workplace, between coworkers. This leads to unequal distribution of work. Here, we will be discussing what weaponized incompetence is, what it can look like, and how to address it.

What is Weaponized Incompetence?

Weaponized incompetence refers to the deliberate avoidance of accountability by the use of deception, such as feigning incapacity or incompetence, in order to allow someone else to assist, assume control, or cease assigning work to them. Thus, over time, the imbalance solidifies. 

For instance, a woman could ask her husband “I’m making dinner, could you tidy up the house for the guests?” In this context, he may say “ I don’t know what to do. Can you give me a list of all the tasks? Or “I can’t do it as well as you” As a result, she would find it convenient to just do the task herself instead of answering so many questions and using the mental energy to make a list.

Weaponized incompetence fosters anger, mistrust, and conflict, which can affect relationships at work, home, and in other contexts. Thus, in order to address the imbalance, it is crucial to address this dynamic as soon as possible.

Examples of weaponized incompetence in relationships and workplace

• “ This is your area of expertise, why don’t you deal with this.”

• “ You can do this much better than me.”

• “ If I do it, I’ll just mess it up.”

• “ Can you make me a list of all the things I need to do in order to complete this task?”

• “ Remember how bad I was at doing this the last time?”

• Messing up the task on purpose so someone else would take over.

• Asking too many questions even for a simple task.

How weaponized incompetence can affect your relationships

You might not notice this immediately but in the long run, weaponized incompetence can weaken your relationships as it causes the following problems:

• Resentment: Weaponized incompetence can foster resentment between partners and coworkers due to an imbalance of duties and responsibilities. 

• Absence of trust: If your partner or coworker does not take equal responsibility in tasks, in the long run you start seeing them as untrustworthy because you can’t count on them.

• Inequality: The feeling of inequality increases and disrupts the fundamentals of your relationship due to the imbalance of responsibilities.

• Emotional disconnection: You tend to disconnect from your partner emotionally because you are unable to rely on them.

How to address weaponized incompetence

These are some of the basic steps you can take to address weaponized incompetence in your relationships

• Recognize the pattern: The first step to resolving any problem is to recognize the pattern. You should focus on which tasks your partner or coworker avoids. Pay attention to their actions and behavior as well as how you react to them.

• Have a conversation: To address the issue, it is suggested that it’s important to have a candid conversation with your partner. During the discussion, try to communicate how their actions are affecting you and what you need from them. For instance, you could express your feelings by saying something like: “I feel like I cannot rely on you for any help with household chores. It would mean a lot to me if you could contribute more in this area.” Or “I believe that there may be an uneven distribution of responsibilities between us. It would be helpful for both of us if you could learn to handle this task independently. I am willing to offer my support to help you achieve this goal.”

• Listen to their perspective: It’s important to give your partner a chance to share their point of view and actively listen to what they have to say. Showing empathy and trying to understand the reasons behind their actions can help you better comprehend their thoughts and emotions, even if you don’t necessarily share the same opinion.

• Establish boundaries: It’s important to establish and effectively communicate your boundaries and expectations with your partner. Take some time to discuss and agree on what you each consider to be fair and equitable in terms of responsibilities. Strive to reach a mutual understanding of what is expected from each other during the conversation.

• Seek professional guidance: If you feel as though these methods are not helping you resolve the problem, it is best to consult a professional. A couples therapist can help with effective communication and problem-solving on a much more personal level.

Key takeaway

Weaponized incompetence is a term used to describe a situation where someone intentionally performs poorly or fails to meet expectations in order to manipulate or control a situation or person. This behavior can have serious negative impacts on both mental health and relationships. It is important to be aware of this behavior, as it can sometimes be subtle and difficult to detect.