Learn How to be there for someone in distress: Dos and Donts

A Quick Guide

When being there for someone in distress, avoid shifting the topic, focusing on your own experiences, or immediately trying to fix their problem. Instead, stay with the topic, reflect their feelings, and ask about their coping strategies to show genuine care and support. Developing these skills requires mindfulness and practice in daily interactions.

How to be there for someone in distress?

Many times we come across situations where we find a friend or loved one going through a difficult time. A frequent question that comes to our minds is ‘How can I be there for them?’. Knowing what to say/not say, what to do/not do, or generally knowing how to be there for someone, can be a challenging task.

Often, we are unaware of the deep impact our responses can have on other people. When these statements are not well thought out, they can have a damaging effect despite our best intentions of trying to be helpful. So, it is important to know the basic dos and don’ts of such situations.

The importance of Attention

Attention is integral to any communication since it controls the flow, tone, direction, and effectiveness of the main point in a conversation. The absence of the listener’s attention is readily visible, especially to the person who is distressed. Yet, if you pay attention to an emotionally loaded conversation, its presence can make a deep impact on the distressed person. At times, even attentively listening to someone can really help calm them and put their mind at ease. Still, here we will discuss some basic dos and don’ts that can significantly help you be there for other people.

What not to do

When trying to figure out how to be there for someone, it is important to figure out what not to do. When someone is telling you something upsetting, try not to do the following:

Shift to a different topic or even a closely linked topic

For example,
Person A= ‘I could not study last night since my family was fighting. It was very difficult to not let it get to me.’
Person B= ‘What’s your study major?‘

See how there is a major topic change? Yeah, that doesn’t show your concern for the other person. Even if your intentions were good and you were simply trying to distract them. It may hurt them even more to know that they cannot confide in you or simply that you do not care enough to listen to them.

Start focusing on your own feelings and thoughts

For example,
Person A= ‘My sister and I had our first fight in 15 years. I don’t know what to do’.
Person B= ‘Yeah. My siblings and I also fight all the time. Just yesterday, my brother broke my laptop and I was very angry.’  

Here person B might be intending to relate to person A by recalling a similar incident but try to avoid doing that despite the urge. As it shifts the focus away from the other person to you. And that is the last thing you want when comforting someone.

Start fixing the problem right away

For example,
Person A= ‘My boss shouted at me in front of others. It was humiliating. I felt everyone’s eyes on me. I have been crying ever since’.
Person B= ‘You know what, you should quit your job.’

Here’s the thing, you simply can’t jump to a conclusion. Because whether you believe it or not, they have probably gone through a dozen scenarios already. What they need from you is to listen to them, validate their feelings and then if they ask, give them some advice.

What to Do

Instead of the above, try to do the following:

Stay with the topic and give your attention to it

For example,
Person A= ‘I could not study last night since my family was fighting. It was very difficult to not let it get to me’.
Person B= ‘What was your family fighting about?’ or ‘What part of the fight was the most upsetting for you?‘
You should try to find out more about their problem after listening to them closely. This shows that you genuinely care about their situation and how they feel.

Reflect and focus on the feelings of the other person

For example,
Person A= ‘My sister and I had our first fight in 15 years. I don’t know what to do.’
Person B= ‘You sound very upset. It seems like you feel lost without her in your life.‘

After you have closely listened to how they feel and show your genuine care. Simply keep focusing on their problem. Even though at times, someone might be in a situation where you relate to them or you have had a similar situation in your life. Try to just focus on them rather than bringing up something that reminds you of that particular incident from your life.

Ask them how they are dealing with the situation first

For example,
Person A: ‘My boss shouted at me in front of others. It was humiliating. I felt everyone’s eyes on me. I have been crying ever since’.
Person B= ‘I am sorry to hear that. You must have felt embarrassed when he turned on you so suddenly. What happened after that?…Did you say anything back?… Have you tried anything to resolve this matter? …What are your ideas about how to handle this? …I have noticed you have been unhappy at this job for a long time. You mentioned once that you wanted to quit and shift to something else. What do you think about that option?‘

You should try asking what the other person has already tried before turning to problem-solving. This is because many times people have already made several attempts to resolve their issues.

Your giving them solutions suggests that you are not interested in listening to them or are uncomfortable with their issues and want them to stop talking. It may even give them the message that you are superior and they are inept at coming up with solutions themselves. So, solutions can be suggested but after staying with the problem for a while.

How to effectively use the above strategies?

The above Dos and Donts are a few tips you can start practicing and incorporating into your daily social interactions. The key here is to be mindful and actively try to do this, so that they gradually become a part of your overall conversational style. It will definitely take some time to make it into a habit. But you will be glad you did so!

Final thoughts

Sometimes, simply listening to someone’s problem can also be a way for you to be there for them. It depends on the type of person you are dealing with. Though these strategies are something that will only help you at every point in your life.

Once you are confident you have mastered these tips, you can move on to the next article in this mental health awareness series, which focuses on the ‘how’ part of developing the attending skill.

We hope you found this article helpful in learning more about the effective Dos and Donts of how to be there for someone in distress.