What is Attending Behavior? The skills of how to be there for someone

A Quick Guide

Attending behavior involves using visuals, vocals, verbals, and body language to show genuine interest and support in social interactions. It includes skills like maintaining eye contact, adapting vocal tone, verbal tracking, and using appropriate body language. Being authentic, sensitive, observant, and respectful of others’ boundaries are key to developing attending skills.

Introduction

Ever wondered how therapists are so good at supporting people who are emotionally distressed? Or how a certain friend or a loved one is somehow there for you without even doing anything? It’s highly possible these people have good attending skills. Many therapists undergo special training in learning how to show attending behavior. Whereas, some people have these skills naturally.

Anyone can develop attending skills. It includes a series of behaviors, best for situations when someone is upset or sharing a problem, and you don’t know what to do or say to show your support.

What is attending behavior in counseling?

Attending behavior is a communication strategy. It focuses on utilizing visuals (eye contact), body language, vocal tone, and verbal tracking in social interactions. It is useful for expressing your genuine interest to the other person and is often used in counseling. Attending behavior may also help a therapist to notice others’ unspoken messages and needs which later helps them to formulate an appropriate response.

The Dimensions of Attending Behavior

Attending behavior has four underlying dimensions. Remember, before moving to the next skill, the previous skill needs to be learned and made effective first.

Three V’s+B of listening (Visuals, Vocals, Verbals, Body Language)

1. Visual/eye contact

Make eye contact while talking to an upset person. Look at them to communicate they have your undivided attention. This includes not looking at your phone, book, outside the window, or other activity. Take notice of points of breaks in eye contact. These will tell you about what the other person is uncomfortable talking about, avoiding, or not wanting to disclose fully.

Notice your own eye contact breaks. This is because when certain topics are uncomfortable for us, we look away, look down, and generally avoid looking at the person talking. From this, the other person may get the message that you are not interested. They may become silent or even change the topic to avoid making you uncomfortable.

2. Vocal quality

The tone and speech you use with other people indicate your feelings about them. Try to alter your speech rate and tone to show you are listening attentively and absorbed in what the other person has to say. Notice their pitch, volume, and rate of talking & observe any change in it from the usual. This may indicate which topic they are comfortable with or uncomfortable with.

While the person is talking, identify the timing of vocal breaks, hesitations, or sudden silences. This will tell you a lot about their main concerns. For example, clearing of the throat may indicate it is difficult to open up about something depending on the context.

Similarly, notice verbal underlining in the person’s content of conversation i.e. the tendency to emphasize certain topics or repeat certain words. This will help in identifying the person’s hidden key issues. Paying attention to these repetitive themes can help you to uncover them.

3. Verbal tracking

Whenever a person tries to talk to you, you need to track and stay with their topic instead of shifting to something you want to discuss. This is called verbal tracking. To do this, instead of introducing a new topic, build on what the other person has said. Take their statements and reflect them back through a comment or a question.

Similarly, we are also often guilty of selective attention i.e. we focus on one part of the conversation that interests us and ignores the rest. It is highly likely that the part you ignore is of the most concern to the other person. So selective attention is not effective verbal tracking. Try to listen to the whole conversation and build on what you think is most important to the other person.

4. Body language

Your body language is quite important while you are listening to others. Try to face others by leaning forward, using encouraging gestures, and using appropriate facial expressions according to what is being talked about. Distance is also important here. Some people prefer their personal space and get uncomfortable when the distance between you and them is less whereas others want to be closer to feel supported. Adapt according to the person in front of you.

Some points to remember

For developing attending skills and successfully showing attending behavior,

• Develop an attitude of sensitivity.
• Authenticity and being genuine are integral during this entire process. Showing the attending behavior dimensions like a checklist will not work unless you are being real and authentic.
• Your talk time should be less compared to the other person. When you do talk, try to be facilitative in getting details from them and reflecting on their feelings through brief comments.
• Be aware of multicultural differences for exhibiting attending skills. For example, in some cultures eye contact with someone older than you is considered rude. So, in this case, visuals need to be modified according to the cultural context.
• Be observant of the other person’s style of eye contact, emotions, vocal tone, and, body language. These will tell you what they are willing to talk about and not talk about. It will also give you a screenshot of how well you are doing if they are comfortable in your presence.
• Respect privacy and give space. If you notice breaks in eye contact, vocal tone, uncomfortable body language, or shifts in topics that the other person is not willing to talk something, respect their space. Ask them if they are feeling uncomfortable or unready to talk about a particular topic. If they say yes, give them time to bring up the topic on their own. People who try to persuade or force someone to talk about a difficult experience, despite their best intentions may actually damage the rapport and trust built with them.
• Do not jump to problem-solving or try to fix the other person’s problems. Listen first and when you think the other person is ready, suggest your solutions rather than giving them in definite statement forms.

How you can practice Attending Behavior in your daily life?

Attending dimensions and skills may seem obvious but we are often unaware of them and rarely utilize them in our social interactions. People’s problems are so complex that we can’t figure out anything helpful to say or come up with a solution. Even the best therapists face such situations. Utilizing these micro-skills can help us be emotionally present and supportive which is better than doing nothing. In short, when you don’t know what to say or do, attend.

Remember that these skills do not develop instantly. Practice them consistently till they become your second nature.
To learn more about attending skills, please read the next article in this mental health awareness series. Or check out the previous one first if you haven’t already, to enrich your skills of showing support to people you love.